I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize