you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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