Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
