I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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