So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
