I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize