I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
