The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The uberlube is also flammable
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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