he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Holy sore nipples Batman
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
