omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
