I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
