I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
