My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
