I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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