bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
