I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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