he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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