So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
