I just pynch a tree in the face
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
