I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
