Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
