Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
