I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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