We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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