Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize