someone threw a dead crab at me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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