Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hippo gnu deer
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
