I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
