Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
