Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize