dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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