Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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