let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
