you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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