I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
