I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize