I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think my fart just growled at me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize