You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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