is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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