I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
