Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
