I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
