your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
