hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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