Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
