come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
