I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
