if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
