and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
