I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
