I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
