Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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