i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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