My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
