im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
