you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
